Breaking me slowly
by Beizanten
Summary: Merlin never thought Arthur would use his magic to blackmail him. Non con fic
1. Chapter 1

The Blackmail

Summary:Merlin never thought Arthur would black mail him to sleep with him for his magic

Disclaimer: Don't own or Methur will be main pairing with side Merlin/Gawain

Author note: My first story so please don't be too hard on me. Credit to my friend Jissai who help me improving my story and checking my grammar. He is such a great help.

Rating:MA (Warning for non-con)

Under the dreadful rise of the moon, the cool night air collecting and chilling the servant's lungs, Merlin took a deep, shuddering breath and entered the prince's chambers. His new, foreboding prison for the night, where surely his soul will die.

The sight of Arthur sit against the bedpost waiting for him fills Merlin with a mixture of fear and betrayal. Arthur looked at him predatorily. His body is trembling like a leaf. 'How have we come to this?'

. "Close the door," the voice of the prince commanded. Any other day Merlin would have thought nothing of it, the manservant even purposely leaving the door open to spite the royal.

But today? The command means something so much more. The dark undertones of the simple sentence, spelling out for him all the terrible things that are about to happen. They make the servant's skin shiver and his stomach tie into knots.

He tries to suppress the emotions, the awful feeling of betrayal and fear, swallowing it all down. But the emotions are too numerous, and they swell painfully in his throat.

Blackmail, the prince blackmailed him. Blackmailed Merlin the Sorcerer, the pretender.

He wishes he could rewind back time to a day ago. He would have never cast that spell to save the royal's life. Then, the Prince would have never grown so cold, so sinister. A monster.

The royal would never have grabbed the manservant close, the foreign air about the prince suffocating the warlock, when he gave Merlin a choice. The choice. The price for Merlin's life and home in Camelot.

Merlin slowly did as was told, wishing, chanting in his mind that this is all just a nightmare that he would wake up from any minute now he will 'open his eyes' and be back in the physician's room. In his small, hardwood bed. It was all a dream

"Strip," barked the prince, the demon from the bed, reeling Merlin back into reality.

The dark haired man stood there unmoving, begging, pleading for Arthur to let him go. They didn't have to do this. It didn't have to be like this.

"I said strip!" The warlock winced as the prince's voice struck his ears.

Merlin's hand was shaking so much as he began to pull off his clothing, avoiding the other's gaze. He kept his head down, avoiding Arthur. Avoiding the moment, the reality that he was in. Standing there, not looking at anything in particular, expecting to wake up from the nightmare he was trapped in.

He could never wake up.

The warlock could feel Arthur's devouring gaze on him the whole time, drinking up his trembling form. He couldn't stop shaking, he couldn't wake up from this nightmarish hell.

"Come here" Merlin heard the Prince said, his voice thick with lust making him tremble even more.

The feeling of fear and betrayal grow in his chest and fear filled his lungs.  
Merlin once again tried to suppress it. He had to do this.

He can't leave Camelot and Arthur unprotected. If his secret were to be  
revealed, his mother and Gaius's life will likely be forfeit as well.

Merlin tried his best to grasp hold on every sliver of his determination, his  
will. He took a deep breath, the room and air suffocating and thick, as he  
slowly dragged himself to the predator on the bed.

Arthur pulled him close, shifting them so Merlin was beneath him, pressing the pale body on the mattress.

Arthur wore a smile, at the trembling youth beneath him.

"You seem really scared" Arthur cooed, his hands brushing Merlin's porcelain  
chest. Shiver run through the sorcerer's body under the calloused hands. This was all a nightmare. Nothing was real. Absolutely nothing.

Another sickening smile from the man above him. "Are you a virgin, Merlin?"

"You don't have to do this" Merlin's trembling voice pleaded. "You're not like  
this."

"I know you" Merlin was finding it harder to breath, emotions bubbling,  
suppressing tears. This could not be happening! None of this was real!

"Shut up!" Arthur snapped, grabbing Merlin's jaw and kissing him, plundering his mouth. Tears prickled and swelled in Merlin's vision.

This was really happening.

He had hopes that Arthur would stop, will remember who he was. Would forgive Merlin for hiding his magic.

But he didn't.

Arthur started nipping and biting the manservant's jaw and neck, breaking the skin. Tickles of blood running down pale porcelain skin.

Merlin couldn't stop the tears, sobbing.

The prince spread Merlin's legs apart, beginning to remove his own clothing. The entire time Merlin was still as stone, his heart pounding in his ears and cold sweat running down his brow as he saw Arthur in his naked glory. Arthur was impossibly gorgeous, everything he had ever dreamed of.

But the situation was so wrong. Not how it should have been.

Arthur coated his fingers with oil, shoving two fingers into Merlin, making  
the warlock cry out. Arthur ignored his pleas to stop, continuing to stretch  
him.

"Stop, please!"

"Shut up, Merlin. Stop being a girl and take it like a man" Arthur growled,  
shoving in a third finger. The manservant screamed.

"I said shut up!" The royal barked. Merlin barely managed to quiet his voice,  
biting down on his lower lip.

"Just relax" the Prince cooed.

Merlin then, to his horror, felt his body begin to react towards the touches.  
The blond youth running his hand up and down the warlock's member. It hurt, the prince was too rough, but his body reacted nonetheless.

As Merlin become half hard, the prince seems to decide that Merlin had been prepared enough and let his fingers out. Merlin feel relieve but his relief is short as he feel something hotter, larger and hard as steel at his opening. He try to buck out but the blonde holds his hip bruising and then pushing into him.

The pain was like nothing Merlin had ever felt and he screamed as he was fully breached, Arthur doesn't seem to care. He just kept pushing ruthlessly in, splitting Merlin apart inch by inch until he was fully settled. Merlin sobbing and pleading beneath him, begging him to stop.

Merlin can feel the Prince's fingers press hard into his thigh, where there would be marks left the next morning. Merlin can feel every inch of him inside him. God, it hurt so much! Merlin stare at him, helpless with pain and sadness, absolutely wrecked. His eye begging Arthur to stop, just stop! Arthur averted his eyes and started to thrust hard and fast. Every movement made pain shoot through Merlin body from his abused hole. The warlock cried out in pain.

Merlin closed his eyes and mutters a spell under his breath to make the pain go away. But it doesn't work. Merlin was completely limp and feels nothing but pain. Arthur pounds into him faster and deeper. Rutting into him like an animal and making animalistic sounds. Merlin's hand grasping helplessly at the bed cover. Arthur's slammed against his virgin buttocks at a break neck speed, making the room ring with the rhythmic slap of his hard muscled hips against Merlin's fleshy buttocks. Merlin clenched his teeth so not to bite his tongue. Inside, he was screaming.

Arthur's pace turns relentless and desperate, and all Merlin could do was lie there and pray that it would be over soon, his hands grabbing the bed's cover helplessly. The Prince rhythm stuttered and Merlin heard a deep groan. One last slammed and the prince howled his completion in the silent room.

After resting for a few moments , Arthur pull out. The feeling making Merlin whimper and a few more tears escape. Finally it is over. Merlin began shaking and crying with pain and grieve. Something is thrown at him.

Get up and clean yourself" Arthur bark as if he hadn't just rip Merlin and his life open.

Arthur has thrown a rag at Merlin. He wiped the tears and mucus from his face. Merlin tried to stand up. Jolts of pain from his body nearly make him crumple back to the bed. His hand is trembling as he wiped up whatever that was running down his leg. A quick glance showed that it was blood, and Merlin had to force himself to wipe up the rest of it, stifling another sob as he attempted to clean up his abused hole. He gathers his clothes and put them on with shaking hand.

Merlin finished dressing and quickly left. He ignored the worry look in Gaius's face and quickly went straight to his room. He locked the door with magic. He couldn't face Gaius right now. Merlin buried his face on his pillow and cried his heart out, ignoring Gaius frantic knocking. Arthur has hurt him. The person he love and trust more than anything had beast with him and it hurt more than anything.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Killing me slowly

Author note: To my dearest reader and viewer, thanks for you support. I 'm sorry that I have to repost this since I make a mistake of deleting my old one. I was frustrated with my internet problem. For those who wonder about chapter, I am sorry it took so long. I already wrote it but it still need a major make over to sound nice. I think it will need a month or two. Thanks

Merlin wished he could continue living in dream world.

A place where he didn't have to face the reality of what happen last night.

Where he wouldn't have to face that royal this morning.

Gaius has been knocking on his door for some time now. "Merlin, please. Whatever happen, let talk about it" plead Gaius.

Merlin knew he should get up of bed. He didn't want Gaius to be more worried than he already was. He dragged himself out of bed, his stomach clenching at the thought of seeing the prince. Hissing as the pain from the previous nights events made themselves known in his lower regions. But he forced himself to carry out his day like usual. He had no other choice.

He washed himself, cleaning his abuse hole. It hurts. Then the warlock got dress, his heart clenching as he saw the bite mark, Arthur had left him. He hoped Gaius hasn't seen it last night, making sure to cover it properly with his neckerchief.

He proceeded down the steps, a few more paces closer to his destination, to terrible Arthur, and met the worried eyes of Gaius. He knew how he must look to Gaius, eyes swollen from crying. He didn't have any appetite but forced himself to eat, feeling Gaius gaze burning a hole into him. He brushed it off, attempting a smile, not wanting to worry the old man more.

Finally, Merlin couldn't avoid the royal any longer. He went to bring Arthur's breakfast.

When he got there, Arthur was bathing and another servant was attending him. There was half eaten food on the table.

"Finally" Arthur said, without looking at the manservant. "I thought you will never come. You really were the worst manservant ever."

Merlin bit his lip in anger.

How could Arthur talk like that after what he did to him last night?

"You can go now" Arthur said, dismissing the servant. The prince turned to Merlin once the other servant left. It was only them in the room, predator and prey.

Merlin cursed as he was left all alone with Arthur, his eyes avoiding the prince completely.

"What are you standing there for? Put the tray on the table!" The prince snapped at him.

He walked across the room, ignoring the pain in his body, ignoring the royal, placing the tray on the table. He tried not to look at Arthur, or the bed. Too many bad memories there.

Arthur toweled himself off, looking at Merlin who was still standing there still as stone, studying his own feet.

"What are you, waiting for? Get me my clothes!" the Prince barked.

Merlin walked towards Arthur's wardrobe to get him his attire. He laid it on the bed, hand trembling as the feeling of humiliation and hurt come back at the sight of the furniture. Merlin tried to avert his gaze and not to touch Arthur as he dressed him, ignoring the royal's eyes boring on him.

Merlin tried to avoid Arthur as much as possible as he done as much chores in his room as possible. It was when Merlin prepared Arthur from his knight training that Arthur grab his wrists. Merlin going rigid at the touch. He felt Arthur hot breath against his ear and the servant's breathing hitched.

"I want you on my bed, naked and ready when I finish" and with those few words, the prince left, leaving Merlin with suppressed tears.

Hadn't Arthur hurt him enough already? Why would he do this?!

Arthur smirked when he saw Merlin naked on his bed. He striped and slipped into the bed.

"Spread your legs" he order.

Merlin, humiliated, spread his leg. He felt like a whore. Arthur swiped his hand between the smooth rounds of Merlin's buttock, his fingers come away sticky with oil.

"So you can follow orders" Arthur said.

Arthur got between the servant's leg, lining up his cock and trust hard. Merlin closed his eye tight, trying to pretend that it didn't hurt so much. Arthur's hand held Merlin hip bruising as he trust deeper, faster. It seems to go on forever until Arthur thrust as deeply as possible could and spilling into him. Then Merlin only felt dirty and disgusting.

Merlin cleaned himself up and left without looking at Arthur.

The third time, Arthur pushed him up against a wall. He shoved Merlin's trousers down before turning him around. There's little preparation before Arthur shove his whole in one move. Merlin gasped in pain. Merlin tried not to think, ignoring the way Arthur's cock thrust in and out of his ass hard until the prince's stiffened, arching with release, and bite hard at the joint of Merlin's neck.

The fourth time, Arthur order him into all four and fuck him so hard, Merlin feeling like he going to split into two. Merlin tried his best to block everything, but it seems Arthur was determine to keep the servant there, making it painful for the warlock.

The fifth time, Arthur fucked Merlin's mouth. Arthur grabs Merlin by his hair and pushes him to his knees. Arthur tilted Merlin's head with one hand. In his other hand the prince holds his cock, already leaking, and nudges it forward, painting Merlin's lips slick with his shining fluid. Merlin closed his eye tightly. He barely parted his lips, but Arthur took advantage of the slight opening, forcing his head between Merlin's teeth. He tightened his hold on Merlin's hair and yanked hard enough to bring a sharp sting of tears to Merlin's eyes. He cried out in immediately protest, and Arthur slammed his hips forward. He hit the inside of Merlin's cheek due to the angle, and had to shift his hips to get his cock down Merlin's throat, but he didn't give up until Merlin was choking around his thick shaft. Merlin tried to pull back but Arthur grabbed his hair tighter, holding him in place. Merlin made noises of protest that sent vibrations down Arthur's shaft making him moan and pull Merlin forward. Merlin put his hands on Arthur's knees, trying desperately to push away from him. "Merlin!" Arthur barked.

Merlin stopped fighting, his hands still on the prince's knees. Arthur set a hard rhythm, rams his cock into Merlin's throat again and again, holding Merlin's nose against the thatch of hair at the base of his shaft. Merlin has difficulty to breath. The world began to fade before the warlock's eyes, sharp pain slicing through his chest. Arthur's heavy gasps and pants added insult to this wretched injury, reminding Merlin with every second that Arthur literally held Merlin's life in his hands, and the prince didn't seem particularly concerned whether he ended it or not.

But, what happened a few days later was far more painful.

Arthur tied him to the bed, chuckling darkly. Merlin was very, very afraid. He had a feeling today will become a lot worse than before. Merlin took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. It didn't work.

"Arthur…" Merlin sounded small and scared.

"Didn't I teach you to shut up!" Arthur barks before bending down and thrusting his tongue down Merlin's throat.

Arthur lifted it, smiling down creepily at Merlin.

Merlin closed his eyes, suppressing his tears. He wouldn't give Arthur the satisfaction to see him cry, knowing that Arthur done this to break him.

Arthur bited down on Merlin's pale neck, tasting the salty skin before he drew blood.

The blonde's hand slid across Merlin's chest and down his stomach towards-

'No, not again'

Merlin jerked when he felt Arthur's hand wrap around his cock.

"Come on, now," Arthur crooned.

And then, slowly, he started gently rubbing his thumb in little circles at the base of Merlin's cock.

"Harden up for me," Arthur murmured.

_No..._ Merlin thought.

And then the next thing he felt was horror.

Because his cock was hardening under Arthur's touch, again.

"You slut, you just begging for me, don't you?" Arthur pumped his cock until he become completely erect. Tears of humiliation fall from Merlin's eye.

The blonde man took his ankles in harsh grips, probably leaving yet more bruises, and raised up Merlin's legs around him, lifting and revealing his bottom.

Merlin realizes what the prince about to do as the head of Arthur's cock nudges up hard against his hole, and he panicked. It's never not painful, being fucked, but Arthur always made a little effort at stretching Merlin, or at least slicking his cock with something before plunging in even if it was just Merlin spit from when he is sucking Arthur's cock. Merlin doesn't want to know what this will be like without even that meagre preparation, with nothing but Arthur's precome easing the way.

"No," Merlin begged as Arthur pushed forward, the burn starting sharp and horrible where Arthur's breaching him, ripping him apart. "No, no, stop, please stop—" His voice is getting louder, wilder, he knows, but he can't control it, can't mentally shut this out.

"Shut your mouth!," Arthur growled as Merlin pulls in short, sobbing pants through his nose, then the royal shoved his cock hard all the way in.

Arthur moaned, eyes fluttering shut for a moment, and Merlin gasped in pain, crying. He had never felt something so horrible: ripping tear at his body.

Merlin sobbed. "Please Arthur, stop! God stop! It hurts. No. Arthur stop" the last came out as a whimper. Nothing more than a plea to a dead man.

With a smirk, Arthur pulled out slowly, the feeling of his cock scraping against Merlin's insides excruciating, before slamming back in with so much force Merlin's head was knocked into the bed's headboard leaving him dazed. Arthur keeps slamming brutally into him while Merlin cried uncontrollably.

Merlin could feel blood trickling down his ass.

Arthur reached for Merlin's cock again, dropping Merlin's legs, his feet landing on either side of the man. He fondled Merlin, soothed his throbbing cock, rubbed, so surprisingly gentle for the way the rest of his treatment was.

"Come for me, Merlin."

And Merlin did.

As Merlin mind started become blurry from all the pain and loss of blood, his last thought before his mind darkened, was when did his _Arthur _become this, this _monster._

When Merlin woke up, he saw the prince looking at him with something akin to worry and guilt. For a second, Merlin thought he saw _his old Arthur _again before it disappeared. Arthur's face changed to one of anger. Merlin whimpered in fear and tried to back away, his body hurt so much. Arthur's face turns blank. The bed shifted as Arthur got up and started to pick up his clothes and put them on. Merlin heard the door slammed loudly and he was left alone with his haze of pain.

Arthur didn't touch Merlin for three days after that and to Merlin relief he never fucked him dry again.

This day, Merlin avoided everyone and spent as much time in his room as possible. Gaius and Gwen were worried sick. Merlin refused to tell them anything, the humiliation is heavy enough without anyone to share it with. Merlin saw Gaius and Gwen confront Arthur about it. Arthur deny that he know anything about it and told them harshly to leave him alone!. Gwen and Gaius were hurt and shocked at Arthur lack of caring about Merlin, they thought Arthur really cared about him. Merlin had thought he was the closest thing to Arthur's friend once but now he realized he is nothing to Arthur. Gaius has asked Merlin if Arthur has hurt him in any way and Merlin denied it, scare of what Gaius would do if he ever found out. Not like Gaius could do anything against Arthur. If he did he most likely would be severely punish.

Merlin striped, sucked and fucked whenever Arthur wanted him too.

After more than two weeks, Merlin was falling more and more into depression. He was losing weight. He barely ate or sleep and his smile felt grim and strained. Inside, he was slowly dying.

Gaius and Gwen were not the only one worried. Everyone he knows except from Morgana look at him with concern. Merlin avoided all of them as best as he could, he couldn't bare the look of pity and worry in their eyes. But it was nothing compared to the look on Morgana's face. Merlin had the unfortunate luck to run into her.

"How does it feel to be Arthur's bitch, Merlin" she mocked

It was like a stab in Merlin's heart. Morgana look at him with amusement in her eyes.

"Oh I know" she said. "I saw it. How Arthur force himself on you without caring for your comfort and how you let it. Such a wanton slut!"

Merlin felt anger and shame burning inside of him. "Poor Merlin, after all you have done for Arthur and this is how he repaid you" Morgana mocked him. "By raping you, again, again and again!"

"Shut up!" Merlin screams in rage. He has never hated Morgana before, only feel sad for her downfall, but now he hated her.

"How does it feel to be betrayed by the one person you love and trust, Merlin" her voice is full of poison. "Because that is what you did to me. You deserve this. I hope Arthur breaks you good!"

Merlin held back his tears. He would never give her the satisfaction of seeing him cry but by the triumphant smirk on her face, it's clear how close to tears he was. Merlin quickly left.

Merlin was crouched on the floor, head bent between Arthur's thighs sucking him. He did his best to bring Arthur's off so his misery will end sooner. A load groan and Arthur came into Merlin's wet cavern, his hand hold the back of Merlin's head and Merlin is forced to swallow everything. Merlin gagged. Arthur pulls back. He was looking at Merlin with an indescribable expression. Was it guilt?

"That is enough. You can go and muck the stable or do your other chores" Arthur commanded.

Merlin was surprise that he is let go this easy but wasted no time to get out of there and put as much distance between him and the prince as possible.

Later on, Arthur has been a lot gentler with Merlin lately, some time he even appears to be hesitating.

Whether it is because he has starting to lose interest with the now sickly looking Merlin or he has started to feel guilty, the servant didn't know. It mattered very little to Merlin when he is still being rape daily. Not after what Arthur has done to him. Merlin hoped that monster will get sick with him and just toss him aside already. But, the day Arthur got sick with him would be the day Merlin get burn at the stake. He only wished Gaius wouldn't be kill with him for harboring a sorcerer and that the king wouldn't hunt down his mother like he does to his father.

After 7 weeks of Arthur's abuse, Merlin finally collapse from exhaustion while mucking out the stables. He had a hot fever. Arthur had run to see him, once he heard only to be shouted at by an enrage Gaius.

"What are you doing here? Haven't you hurt him enough?" Arthur has never see Gaius so angry.

Gwen, too, looked at him with anger and disgust.

Arthur never felt so small, so vulnerable. Even his father disappointment was nothing compare to this.

"Look at what you have done to him!" Gaius said, clearly now well aware of the damage done. "Why did you do this to him! He was your friend!"

"Merlin barely eats or sleeps" Gwen continued. "He doesn't even smile any more! And now he has collapsed. What has he ever done to you to deserve any of this! He has saved your live many times! He is always loyal to you!"

"I…." Arthur had a loss for words, guilt eating at him.

"Just get out of here, sire" Gaius said in calm, icy rage. "I don't want you anywhere near Merlin anymore!".

Arthur nodded. He can't bear to look at their accusing eyes anymore, knowing that they were right. He had been cruel, so, very cruel. He turned and left. His legs felt weak, crumbling to the floor right after the door was close.

Merlin fever broke a day later.

Merlin opened his eyes, Gwen quickly running over to attend him.

"You're awake" she cried with glee and quickly when to call Gaius.

Gaius came moment later, smiling brightly at him.

"What happened?" Merlin voice was rough from sickness.

"You fainted from fatigue and had a hot fever. You have been unconscious for a day"

Merlin let his brain process the information. Then he remembers Arthur. must be really angry that Merlin wasn't there to… serve him. His fear must have been palpable.

"What is it Merlin?" asked Gaius concerned.

"…Arthur"

Gaius and Gwen's face changed to rage at the mention of that name.

"You don't have to worry, Merlin" Gaius said, determination coloring his voice. "I would never let him anywhere near you again!"

"But…" Merlin saw the knowing glint in Gaius and Gwen's eyes and he couldn't breathe. Oh my god, they knew. They knew! They must have seen the bruises on his body. Merlin looked away, shame burning inside of him, wishing the ground will open up and swallow him.

Merlin drags himself to Arthur room the next night.

He has told Gaius that Arthur knows about his magic and he had to go to Arthur or Arthur would tell the King. Gaius has never looked more sad and helpless.

The servant knocked on Arthur's door and enters. He feels Arthur eye boring heavily on him.

"You can go. I don't need your service tonight"

Merlin couldn't believe what he hears, wasted no time in leaving, trying to get as far away from Arthur before he has a chance to change his mind. After that Arthur doesn't tell him to come to his chamber or touch Merlin, anymore. Merlin wondered if the prince had lost an interest at him now that he is so skinny and look sickly or if the guilty conscious finally caught up with the royal. Not that any of it matter, what was done was done

Merlin waited for the day where Arthur finally told Uther and he was tied at the stake.

But that day never came.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 I'm not like you

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin - if I did there would be multiple slash pairings and hard core Methur. Rewritten in third person.  
Credit to my friend Jissai for checking my grammar and spelling.  
Warning: Spoilers for _The Eye of the Phoenix_ (s3e8) - just think of it as an AU. I wrote it because I tried to write the battle scene, but it sucked and because I want to bring a little Gawaine/Merlin to the picture. Warning: a cold and hard Merlin and angsting Arthur; he deserves it!

Every day Merlin lived in fear, afraid that the monster would ask the warlock to 'serve' him again

However, to the servant's surprise and relief, Arthur never did.

By the time Arthur realize what he have done to Merlin the damage is already irreparable. There's no way Merlin could ever forgive him!

Arthur thought about it all the time. About everything Merlin has done for him. About all the things he did to Merlin. About how he could have done things differently and love and protect Merlin instead of breaking him, shattering their bond so cruelly. A monster.

'Why, why did I do that to Merlin?'

It never failed to bring tears to his eyes. Arthur hated himself. How could he be so blind, so cruel?! He never realized how much a blessing Merlin is to him until he lost him. And there's no doubt that Arthur have lost Merlin because how could he ever forgive Arthur. Arthur, who have repaid all his kindness and sacrifices with pain and degradation over and over again.

Arthur wanted to apologize, fall to his knees and beg him for forgiveness. But he can't even look at the mage without the guilt crushing him inside, can't look at those accusing eye that spell pain and betrayal without wanting to harm himself. The tense air suffocating him. He do the only thing he can do, he run from Merlin with tail between his leg like the coward he is and started spending more time training and drinking and hunting, anything to make him forget what he had done, to escape the guilt that is slowly killing him inside. And if Leon or the other knight notice how depress or angry or sad Arthur is they never mention anything. This is good because Arthur would rage at anyone who dares to ask.

Merlin patience is wearing thin. The royal avoided even looking at him, going so far as to take over the routine of dressing himself to avoid eye contact with the lanky male. The prince never spoke to him, except when he gave him chores and even then, his voice would become nervous as if he was expecting him to blow up at any time. The mage was tempted to put a curse or two on him.

It also doesn't escape him that the _bastard _had been actively avoiding him; Arthur spent more and more time outside of his room to train, to go to the tavern and drink his ass off or other things that the monster had been doing lately. It annoyed Merlin, having to haul his drunken ass from the tavern nearly every day. It angered him more that he was out drinking with the knights while Merlin secluded himself and buried himself in work due to depression caused by the royal!

The only consolation he had was that he wasn't interested in hurting the servant anymore, and Merlin were relieved with this turn of events. However, the broken part of him, the piece that was shattered by his betrayal, was waiting for him to get on the floor on his knees - for the royal to beg for his forgiveness!

Instead, he was treating the servant as if he was a blemish in Arthur's perfect family picture. He should have expected that, he'd see him as nothing more than a grain of sand in a desert; insignificant, worthless!  
It was almost 3 months later that Merlin would save the terrible prince again.

It was a month before the quest Uther told Arthur harsher than Arthur ever heard him to get a grip on himself and reprimand his behavior. He told Arthur that his behavior is unacceptable and not befitting of the crown prince. Arthur know he is right; know how pathetic he have become. But it doesn't quench his anger or hatred for his father. It is his fault. Uther has brainwashed him with his hatred of magic and turn Arthur into a monster like him. Unfortunately he has responsibility to Camelot. He had fail Merlin, he can't fail Camelot too. He has to try to get as much grip on himself as possible!

When Merlin discovered how dangerous the Perilous Lands was he felt such fear for him that he went to Arthur - a small part of the servant still in love with his rapist.

"Sire" Merlin startled Arthur out of his map study session. Heavy silence stretch between them. "I heard that the perilous land is very… perilous. Maybe I should go with you"

Arthur was shock that Merlin suddenly volunteer to protect him. 'He can't be seriously? How could he still want to protect me after all I have put him through?' Just thinking about Merlin protecting him sent a deep sense of self loathing to his heart. 'No, he can't really want to protect me? But then why?! WHY? Is this a trap? Is he trying to get his revenge on me?! Alone with me in a curse land, even if he kill me no one will suspected! Is that his motive'? Somehow the thought that Merlin is out to hurt him hurt less than the thought he is going to save him.

"I can do this quest by myself" Arthur said sharply.

"Arthur, I heard this land was curse, who knows what might happen…"

"I think I will take my chances. I don't need your help" Arthur began to get angry

"But Arthur they were bandit and magical creature…"

"Enough! Whatever come I can handle it myself! Just like my father and all the Pendragon before me!"

"But…but what if something happen…you're alone against all sort of danger without me protecting you!"

"And you think I would be safer with a _sorcerer _like you with me!" Arthur spat before he could stop himself. The word hurt more than a stab at Merlin's heart.

Arthur watched as Merlin's face fill with anger and hurt and watch his back as he storm out of the room, slamming the door loudly. Arthur slammed his fist to the wooden table, angry at himself for hurting Merlin _again._

Merlin storm to his room, bristling with anger! 'How dare Arthur say such things? After everything he had done to me, I still offered to protect his bloody life! If I really wanted any harm to come to him, I wouldn't even need to soil my hands. Hell, I don't even have to lift a finger. There are plenty of sorcerers who would gladly finish that blasted royal off for me in time. All I would have to do was stop saving his stupid ass. But no, I had to be my pathetic, protective self and offer to protect him. And the ungrateful basted throw it back to my face!'

Let him go alone, the betrayed servant couldn't care less!

The moment his eyes caught the armlet the prince wore, Merlin felt the tang of magic from it, and fear gnawed at the mage before swallowing him whole. Before the warlock was able to say anything, the prince nudged his horse in the ribs, setting it in motion and rode away.

He made his way to Gaius's chambers before he could think.

To say Gaius was surprised that he was still willing to protect Arthur was an understatement, but Merlin doesn't really care about his reaction right now.

The physician continued to regard him carefully.

"Gaius, I really need your help, right now," the youth told him.

"My boy, why do you still want to do this?"

"I have a destiny to protect," the warlock whispered, trying to convince himself more than Gaius. "I didn't come this far to fail."  
He looked at the son-he-never-had knowingly, sadly and nodded. Merlin swallowed the bile in his throat at the knowing look.

Merlin went to every tavern searching for his best friend Gawain for help.

Gwaine was having a field day.

The noble kept winning in gambling. Unfortunately, it all went awry when the head of the thugs accused him of cheating. He was right of course, but everyone cheated; Gwaine was just a lot better at it; there was no need to be a sore loser.

He stood up to him and it turned into another full tavern's brawl. Punches and yells were the predominant noises, accented by the shattering of pottery and the clatter of items being scattered to the floor. The noble was thrown and skidded down the surface of one of the long tables.

"Hello, Gwain," he were surprise by his angel's voice. The voice he heard moaning his name every night while he dreamt.

He looked up at him from his position atop the table, heart beat faster and he broke into a grin to match that of his love.

"Merlin! A sight for sore eyes!" he said, grinning impishly at the raven-headed male. "Run!"

The two of them burst out of the tavern with several armed men on their tail. Both of them were able to manage to lose them, with horses.

Arthur has reached the bridge that connected the forest he is in and the Perilous land. There was a cook pot suspended over a small fire close to the bridge, a small hut also visible much like the rather small man who stood waiting upon the bridge itself. The prince approaches him carefully.

"Who is it that wishes to cross my bridge?" the small stature man demand.

You observe him for a moment before answering.

"I'm a knight, on a quest to find the trident of the Fisher King."

The small man eyed you with a growing smile, nodding to himself.

"Then you must be 'courage'."

Arthur stared at him for a moment bewildered.

"No... I'm Prince Arthur of Camelot."

The man smiled, walking towards Arthur with a hand held out, which he shakes in greeting.

"I'm Gretir." He leaned back against the end of his bridge. "I have to say, you're not as short as I thought you'd be." The blonde looked down at himself at that remark.

Gretir's tone and expression turned solemn as he continued. "Before I let you pass, I'll give you a little advice. As 'courage', there are two more things you will need to complete your quest... 'Strength' and 'magic'."

Arthur's thought quickly went to Merlin. He had been rather harsh in rejecting his help and he regret hurting Merlin's further. It is too late to bring him now. Beside with all the pain he have inflicted on him, he couldn't trust Merlin to not wish ill of him especially now when he is not in Camelot territory. Arthur would have done the same in Merlin's place.

"So why did the princess go to the perilous lands?" Gawain asked, intrigued while both of them rode to save Arthur. It was not every day that people were stupid or brave enough to go to the so call 'curse' land; it was large barren land with bandits and wyverns.

"A quest," Merlin replied. "It is a quest to prove he is worthy of the throne. He has to go to the perilous land alone and bring back the Fisher King Trident."

Gwaine nodded with a smirk.

"I bet Princess would be glad to have reinforcement!"

"I doubt he would," the coldness from Gwaine's love's voice startled him.  
He may have not known Merlin long, but the guy always spoke of Arthur warmly. Something must have happen between them. Whatever it was, it was likely Arthur's fault since his Merlin was the sweetest, most adorable… he really should have stopped thinking like this about his friend. He wondered what the dark hair beauty would think of him if he knew.

Gwaine knew his beautiful friend was straight like an arrow. He had seen Merlin flirt back with flirty kitchen maid before (though he said he was only interested in extra food so he could steal it from Arthur). And he had been nearly naked in the servant's room and he never gave Gwaine a once over. He had to be straight, because no gay or straight woman could resist the noble's sexiness. He was like the Greek god, Eros*!

Both were silent all the way after that, as he kept stealing glances at his angel. Gwaine missed his usually cheerful, bumbling friend. It was not normal for Merlin to not be cheerful and spirited. Merlin's smile had dimmed and the light in his eyes was gone.

How his wanted to see the servant's usual smile that lighten up his angelic face and expressive eyes.

Gwaine saw Merlin with a suspicious dwarf like men, and he quickly shielded Merlin with his body and unsheathed his weapon, only to have it turn into a large, white flowers.

'Oh, isn't this just great' the noble-born man thought, eyeing the flowers in his hand.

The warlock eyed the flowers in Gwaine's hands before glaring at the small sorcerer. The dwarf told them both that he mean neither of them harm, and that Gwaine's sword would return to normal once they crossed the bridge.

***

Something is wrong with the prince. Arthur felt his strength slowly left him as he makes the journey through the Perilous land.

'Why do I feel so heavy? Why did it felt like I haven't rest at all? Perhaps I had caught something or this land really is curse'. He remembered the old Merlin; he would have given Arthur something. His servant would have gone to fetch the herb that can make him better. Then Arthur remembers the present Merlin and his heart plummeted to the ground. Merlin hated him; he certainly won't be taken care of Arthur even if he is here. He might even poison him by giving him poisonous plan. And Arthur wouldn't even said he don't deserve that.

Arthur had been attack by bandits and then nearly got sucked into a quicksand. He had run out of water and the heat is beating mercilessly down on him. But still the future king keeps on going, using his strong will as his crutch. Arthur forced himself to keep going, to keep walking, despite the gnawing urge to lie down and not get up. It takes all his will power to keep his leg under him.

***  
The noble and servant sat beside the campfire. His moonlight skin shimmered in the soft fire light and he looked so delicate; so ethereal. Gwaine looked at his face, his beautiful, pink lips and resisting the urge to lean over and kiss those rosy, plump lips. He wouldn't ruin their friendship.  
The future Camelot knight startled out of his reverie when a screech caught his attention.

"What is that?" Merlin asked, nervously.

"…pheasant," the older man replied blandly. It was better if Merlin didn't know what he was up against.

"Pheasant?" He glanced at Gwaine, clearly not believing the suggestion.

"A very big one." The noble took hold of the hilt of his sword, propping the tip on the ground as he kept it at the ready. Seeing that, Merlin raised an eyebrow.

"You can go back to sleep, if you want."

Gwaine laughed; there was no way he would leave his angel behind.

"I'm not scared of pheasants."

He could feel Merlin eye bore into him again.

"I don't know…why you want to do this?"

"The same reason as you," Gwaine looked into the other's oceanic eyes, feeling as if he was drowning in the gaze. How he wished he could have told him. "…to help a friend"

"Arthur is lucky to have us."

He is so blind…

"Not Arthur," It was not like he didn't care for Camelot and its honorable Prince, but Merlin was his real reason; always had been.

Gwaine's angel seemed touched. "I would do the same for you"

"I hope so; you are the only friend I have left."

***

The prince forced himself to keep going, trudging onwards until dead trees gave way to grass and craggy stone, the spire of the old castle rising from among the rocky ridges to dominate the landscape. Arthur feel triumphant but it doesn't last. A short while later, once he was close enough, a pair of winged creatures took to the air from the castle and started to circle. They turned in the sky, heading towards Arthur with a screech that spurred him into a run.

One of the wyverns lunge to attack him. He manages to block it first and second attack before decided to abandon the fight. The royal run as fast as you can, using the terrain to avoid the dragon like beast. When he reached the gates and the portcullis, he brought the metal grate crashing down to block out the wyverns. Arthur lean his back to the cold wall and panting heavily in exhaustion. He felt a small amount of relief as it bought him a little time.

The Castle tower is now within view.

"There it is," Merlin said, relived. There was a hint of sadness in his voice when he continued "What is that?" He looked at the big bird like creature circling the tower.

"Wyvern; distance cousin of the dragon...they are acting strange" Gwaine's next words turned Merlin's face as white as sheet. "It seem like they are hunting"

The warlock broke into a run.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Warning: NC-17

Genre:Romance/Angst

Chapter 3 part 2

To the prince horror there are more wyverns in the castle. He was chase by a couple of wyverns once more. Running out of energy to run, he got into one of the castle room, shut the door and block it. He laid his back to the door, exhausted to the bone. But then he hears the sound of the wooden door crackling. The wyverns are going to break through the door! Arthur quickly grab his sword on the floor and back away. He brandish his sword, ready to attack but his head is starting to get heavy and he struggle to keep his eyes open. His eyes go blurry. The last thought before his mind went blank was of Merlin and how he should have begs for his forgiveness when he still had the time.

Merlin and Gawain split up when they got inside the castle, halving the time they would find the _clotpole. _The servant can only hope he can get to Arthur before the wyverns did and search the old palace as quickly as he could.

The screeches of wyverns sounded from up one of the stairwells near him. He dash up the stair as fast as his legs would take him. He frantically wound his way through the passageways, eventually emerging in a small room that held both the wyverns and Arthur.

The _idiot_ was about to become wyvern's fodder! He is lying unmoving on the stone floor with a pair of Wyverns a few feet away from attacking and devouring him. The only sign that he is still alive is the eye of the phoenix still shining brightly sucking his life essence which is not a good omen! As the two wyverns drew nearer to Arthur, the warlock felt his heart stop for a second. As in instinct he threw himself between the wyverns and the _idiot_ prince.

He felt his Dragon Lord power rising inside of him and knows that he can control them. He unleashed the power and spoke in the commanding tone of the old religion and bounding the two wyverns to his will. He orders them to leave Arthur alone. The two wyverns felt silence. For a second Merlin was afraid that it won't work but then the wyverns bow their head, turned and left.

He quickly turns to Arthur and pressed his fingers to the great vessels of his neck and with joy found the weak pulse that beat there. He doesn't realize he had been holding his breath. The idiot was just out cold. It amazes him how the _idiot_ prince always manages to find a way to render himself unconscious.

Without a moment to waste, he wrenched off the eye of phoenix from Arthur's wrist and put it in his pocket. He hopes that the royal wouldn't realize. There's no way Arthur would belief Morgana is evil, and he don't want to know how he will react if he know. Arthur might turn all his rage at Merlin and abuse him again. The warlock shivers and shut down that thought. The servant checks Arthur for any injury.

Arthur stirred and groggily opens his eyes.

He saw a blur of dark and red before his vision got clearer and he saw his manservant.

"Merlin" he groans.

Merlin quickly stiffens and quickly put more space from him. Arthur blinked before it all came back to him.

"Why are you here?" The last thing the prince remembered was being corner by two wyverns. Did Merlin save him? The thought send a tremendous amount of guilt and self loathing. Why would Merlin save him?! After all Arthur have done!

Merlin doesn't dignify it with an answer and got up. "Let get the Trident and head back before you manage to get yourself nearly kill again, _Sire" _Arthur wince at the coldness of that tone. This Merlin was hard and cold totally different from the friendly and warm manservant he once knew and it rent his heart because this is entirely his fault!

Both of them were startle by the screech of the wyvern before it turns weak and painful. The wyvern dropping to the floor, revealing Gawain who had stabs it through the chest from the back and was smirking triumphantly.

Walking through the long disused corridors they continued the search for the Trident. The tense atmosphere around Merlin and Arthur was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Not for the first time, Gawain wondered what the prince could have done but doesn't dare to ask. He never saw anyone look as angry and depress as Arthur does and the warrior doesn't want to get the brunt of Arthur's violent temper.

Merlin suddenly stopped dead in front of a long, dark, cobwebbed dark room. Gawain can see his body tense up as if sensing something he can't.

.

They peered through the doorway. Merlin cautiously stepping forward. Gawain hears a shifting and rumbling sound before he saw a slab of stone going to descend on his angel. Gawain quickly shoved him forward to avoid the descending slab of stone, which immediately and effectively separated Merlin from him and Arthur.

Arthur felt as if all his blood has left his body. "Merlin! Merlin! Are you alright?!"

"Arthur calm down! We need to find a way to get him out!" Gawaine put his hand on the prince's shoulder.

The blond managed to calm down enough for them to find the hidden lever. Usually he would be totally disgusted at the sight of bugs and worms that come out of the hidden lever but right now Merlin is all he cares about. As soon as the stone slab blocking the door sprung open, he and Gawain barrel through. "Merlin!" both of them called in unison.

Arthur just stood there staring at Merlin, feeling relief flooding through him. As he saw Gawaine gives Merlin a tight hug, he feels the green monster roaring inside of him.

As the moon rise and a storm was brewing in the west. They have to spend the night, much to the future king displeasure. He doesn't like seeing Gawaine so friendly with Merlin. Arthur feel like wanted to wretched Merlin away from Gawain. They found a large room with a fire place in the tower that was warm, dry and importantly defensible and decided to spend the night there.

Merlin prepared three meals of bread, cheese and dry ham. If Arthur thought it is meager, he doesn't say anything. Gawaine noted that Merlin and Arthur still avoid looking at each other. The drunkard decided he really can't stand the tense silence anymore and told them he is going to go to sleep. Gawaine saw his Angel whole body stiffen before he quickly says he is also going to sleep too. Is Merlin really that scare of being left alone with Arthur? But this is Merlin, he never thinks twice about walking into danger before so why would he be scare of Arthur. And Arthur maybe a prat but he has a kind heart, Gawaine don't think he would ever hurt his Merlin. The answer eluded him. Gawaine know that the bad blood is a lot worse than he thought when Merlin sleep as far away from Arthur as possible, just beside the cold, musty wall. He looked at Arthur to gauge his reaction. The prince's face is unreadable and he turns to his side, sleeping with his back to Merlin. What have transpired between those two?

Gawaine can't seem to get a shut eye, and scooted to Merlin's side. Merlin smile warmly at him. Merlin is still all tense up. Maybe he is afraid the wyverns going to attack? No, this is Merlin. There must be something else. Something that had slipped through his fingers.

Gawaine and Merlin fill each other of what has happen after you two separated last time. The pain in Merlin's eye was clear for all to see when he asked. But it disappears quickly and he smile. It doesn't reach his eye. Gawaine felt really angry at Arthur for hurting his Angel. He would have punched that _bloody prince _if he hadn't thought it would upset Merlin. The servant talked about the event that happen in Camelot, and about Gwen and Gaius. Gawaine haven't miss that Merlin avoided talking about himself.

Gawaine learned that Gwen and Arthur had broken up. For some unknown reason Arthur mood has turn very foul 6 months ago. The Prince is angry at everyone and everything. Gwen tried to sooth Arthur anger and trying to be patience and understanding with him but she fail. Losing her temper and having a big fight with Arthur, Gwen decided enough is enough and dump his sorry ass. He wonders if that is what Arthur and Merlin was fighting about. He feels sorry for Merlin. Arthur mood must have gone worst, his big ego would get scar after being dump and Merlin will be the one who has to endure it. The boy must be a saint to endure Arthur this long.

"Wonder if I should make another move on her" the Hibernian joke.

Merlin rolled his eye at that before telling his friend to give it up. Gawaine learn that Gwen is in long distance relationship with some guy name Lancelot. He feels jealous at how highly Merlin speaks of Lancelot when explaining who he is to him. Merlin told him that Lancelot is his best friend and warrior with a noble heart.

"What about me? Wasn't I your best friend?" Gawain sounded a bit upset.

Merlin elbowed him playfully. "Of course you are. Both of you are my best friend.

Gawaine broke into a huge grin. "What about Arthur?"

Merlin's face darkens the second he said it and Gawaine feels like he have step into a land slide.

"No, not anymore" Merlin's voice was angry, sad and bitter.

Gawaine quickly try to salvage the situation by asking about Gwen and Lancelot and how they meet. Merlin smiles grimly, appreciating his effort.

The servant told Gawaine about Gwen and Lancelot history and how after seeing Gwen has absolutely no intention to get back with Arthur, Merlin has told her how to contact Lancelot.

"I have stolen a look at their letters, it is really cheesy. Romance novel's cheesy"

"And here, I thought you are a romantic" Gawaine tease.

"I am. But maybe not quite that much"

Gawaine told his angel of his conquest smugly. How he defeat a group of bandit and steal their money instead, all the gambling and bar fight he had won and the beautiful girls and boys (Merlin's seem surprise at this. Maybe he never thought he swing both ways) he had sleeps with. He could never tell him that he tend to pick girl or boys who look like him or he screams Merlin's name as he come. Merlin quickly ask Gawaine to spare him the detail when he started to tell him about the sex, his cheek turn a beautiful pint of red and his big, adorable, totally suck able ear redden too.

"Merlin, you're so innocent" Gawaine laugh. "You should listen and learn from the sex god himself" he joke bumping his shoulder lightly to his. Gawaine face brightens when he saw your love smile more genuinely. The two continue talking and joking with each other. Gawaine manage to make his angel laugh, those beautiful silvery laugh that entrance him leave him spellbound. He tries his best to make Merlin smile and laugh more. God, he loves that laugh and that smile!

The prince can't sleep at all, not when Gawaine is shamelessly wooing Merlin and they sleeping so closely together. He can hear the sound of the two talking happily from the other side of the wall. Merlin seem to be talking animatedly just like his old self. Jealousy seeps through his skin as he heard Merlin's beautiful, silvery, laughter. It has been a long time since he had heard it. And it galls Arthur that Gawain is making him laugh. He is not blind; you had seen how Gawaine's eyes linger on Merlin a bit too long. His eyes practically stripping Merlin. The womanizer (and manizer) has set his eye on Merlin from the start. And he doesn't doubt Merlin is naïve enough to fall for it.

The blonde hear they talk and laugh until late in the night. There's no way he will give Gawaine a chance to make a move on his helpless manservant. Magic or no magic Merlin is just a naïve, country bumpkin.

They rode together until Gawaine parted way before Camelot borderline. The warrior wanted to tell his friends to kiss and make up (without the literal kissing of course. He doesn't want to think about other people kissing his angel) or to smack Arthur's head and told him to treat Merlin right. But he knows it is something big and decided it is not his place. Beside Arthur and Merlin wouldn't take it well at all.

He told them to take care before wink at Merlin and was startled at the glare he got from the royal. If look could kill, Gawaine would be dead two times over. Oblivious, Merlin smile sadly at him (a smile that almost make Gawaine follow him to Camelot, death sentence or not) before telling him to take care. Gawaine smile back, understanding more of the situation now. Arthur is also smitten with his angel. He turns his horse and rode away.

He only glanced back once. Wondering when he could meet his unearthly beautiful friend again. Next time, he hopes Merlin and Arthur already settle their problem. He wanted his Merlin to be his old _cheerful_ self again (or he might just beat Arthur up). And he prefers his next meeting without the prince. Not that he doesn't like Arthur, but the prince is such a party killer some time. Not to mention, the prince already have more than enough daily dose of Merlin. He wanted to be alone with his sweetheart without any love rival.

Arthur thought he would be relief after Gawaine was gone. But the air around him and Merlin get even tenser after the Hibernian left. It is so tense, he feels like suffocating. They rode in tense silence, only sound of breathing and horse hoofing can be heard. He kept glancing at the warlock, who in turn ignores him completely. All his guilt and regret has come back full force now there is nothing to distract him. This is his punishment. He wishes Merlin had left him to die then at least he don't have to live with this crushing guilt. He barely heard Merlin telling him to go back to Camelot alone so people won't be suspicious and that he will go back at least an hour after him. Arthur wanted to say something to him. He wanted to apologize; to thank him but the word got stuck on his throat.

Merlin got back to the castle with herbs that he has manage to found in the forest. It wasn't much but it help past the time and make evident if anyone ask him where he has been (not that anyone will suspect him of helping Arthur but whatever).

Merlin headed to Gaius's chamber to rest, he has had a long day when he was suddenly pull into a dark alcove of the castle from behind.

Merlin was surprise but quickly turn around to face the culprit only to come face to face with a confused and furious Morgana.

"Why?! Why do you save him?!" Morgana spat. Merlin was surprise but then he saw the knowing glint in Morgana's eye the dread fill him. Morgana knows! Oh god, she knows! But how? Did she see he use magic? But there is only Arthur and him there. Did she have a vision?

Morgana seem to read his thought "I know you were a sorcerer, Merlin". Morgana had use the scrying bowl to see Arthur's demise only to see Merlin, stupid, idiot, Merlin ordering two wyverns from feeding on her half brother. She was so shock and felt so stupid. Of course Merlin is a sorcerer, how else can he escape her sister magical chain and a group of Serkets. How could she never realize this before?!

Morgana would have smirk at the look of terror in Merlin face if she wasn't so confuse and angry.

"Why? Why do you try to stop us if you're also a sorcerer?! Why protected Arthur and Uther?! Why did you still protect Arthur after what he had done to you?!" Morgana demand angrily. Merlin has betrayed her more than she thought. He has kept his magic from her when he could have helped her.

Merlin was silent before he answers. Morgana can see the unwavering determination in the warlock eye.

"Because you guys try to make Camelot fall and with it thousands of innocence lives. Because it is the right thing to do" Merlin stops before adding "There's enough bloodshed already, I doesn't want to add anymore into it" Merlin was proud at how strongly he sound despite the fear and dread that flow down his vein.

"Magic is to be use for good Morgana not evil" with this word Merlin left Morgana dumbfounded.

Merlin walk in with Arthur's breakfast tray and find Arthur already awake and dress, sitting on his bed. The furrow in his brow deep and unhappy. Merlin put down the tray on the table before turn to go away from Arthur.

"Why?" Arthur's voice stopping Merlin on his track. Merlin doesn't ask what he means. He knows.

"Someone has to save the crown prince" Merlin lied. Even burning at the stake wouldn't get the answer out of him. Merlin hated that despite everything he still care about Arthur, that the prince is still a necessity in his life. He hated that he still grieve over their old easy friendship. And most of all he hated that he still love the blonde. How pathetic can he be, loving someone who doesn't give a damn about him, someone who sexually abused him?!

Arthur clenches his hand in anger so tightly, his nail scrapes on his palm and it bleeds. "Why?! After all I have done to you; you can't still think I am worth it!"

"You're right, you are not" Merlin snaps.

"Then why save me?! You must have hated me" Arthur voice fill with self loathing.

"Of course I hate you, _Sire_. Doesn't mean I will let you die, though".

Arthur goes still at that. Merlin can read the anger in the tendons of his bared forearms, and smiles in grim satisfaction.

"Why?!," Arthur says, and although Merlin thinks he meant it as a question it comes out as a statement, low and very nearly dangerous. "Why don't you just let me die?!."

"Why? Will it make it easier for you, if I did" Merlin voice is full of poison.

Arthur flinched. Merlin smirks triumphantly.

"Too bad then. I'm not like you or your father. I don't let my feelings blinded me from doing the right things nor do I enjoy making other people suffer" Merlin said full of conviction before he left Arthur.

As soon as he left, Arthur made a low, painful sob. He has truly lost Merlin. He had lost the one thing he really cared about. And it is entirely his fault. In a few weeks of love, denial, rage, hurt and lust he had destroy everything they had. Merlin was the most beautiful thing that ever happen to him and he had destroy it, break it into pieces and thump at it with his heel.

Merlin continued to work like usual ignoring Arthur's eye on him. Arthur's eye has been following him for weeks. They still don't speak to each other unless Arthur is giving Merlin's chores. There was tense silence in the air. The prince flinches sometimes when he looks at Merlin. Arthur's shoulders slump, as if they're bowed under a heavy weight and his eye was red from lack of sleep or unknown to Merlin, crying. Arthur has been losing his weight, he has lost his appetite. Every food tasted awful on his tongue mirroring how he felt. In short, Arthur is a wreck.

Merlin thought he should be happy however seeing Arthur only showing guilt silently made Merlin felt anger boiling within him. He wants the prince to beg for his forgiveness.

Author note: I am feeling sorry for Arthur. He has lost pretty much all his best friend. Gaius and Gwen hated him. Merlin resent him. Morgana want to kill him. I bet lance will treat him differently once he figure out Arthur has hurt Merlin. He is so screw! Well at least he has Leon and Percival and maybe Elyan.

*Eros in the Greek god of sexual love and beauty.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Do not own

Genre:NC 17

Beta by: Nessa Night.

Author note: Thanks a lot to Nessa Night my Beta!

Chapter 4 The confession

Arthur had been suppressing every feeling inside of him. Love, anger, shame, self loathing, and regret until he couldn't stand it anymore. So it really shouldn't have been a surprise when Arthur return drunk and pulled Merlin to him. Merlin body tensed up in fear. Arthur kissed him, pouring in all the love and pleading for forgiveness all in one kiss.

"NO!" Merlin pushed Arthur's chest. Arthur held his wrist so he couldn't get away. "I love you" he choked up.

Merlin was shocked. His eyes widened.

Words flow from Arthur's mouth, unrelenting, "I have always loved you. I fell for you the day we met. I have only realized it seven months ago. I love you so strongly, sometime I feel like you're the only thing that matters. And it hurts, God, it hurt, Merlin" Arthur's eye was brimming with sadness, love and regret.

"I couldn't accept how I felt because it can never be. So I take it out on you"

They both remembered how he has been really bad temper to everyone, especially Merlin, about a month before Merlin magic was reveal. That's why Gwen dumped him.

"I tried to control it but then I learn about your magic and my anger turned to rage. I can't accept that I am in love with not only a man but a sorcerer and a liar. I was consumed by rage. It made me wanted to hurt you, break you"

Merlin looked extremely scared. Arthur got even more ashamed and angry at himself.

"I wanted to prove to you that it was only lust. I wanted you to look at me with anything but love. I wanted you to hate me. I wanted to dominate you" Arthur's voice broke as tears fall unbidden from his blue eyes.

"But when I saw you slowly breaking apart, I hated myself for ever hurting you. I wanted to apologize but I felt so afraid and ashamed. Then you saved my life again and I hated myself even more"

Merlin cheeks were also wet with tears. "Don't you pull that on me!" Merlin's voice is full of anger and sadness. "You rape me again and again. If you loved me why did you do that?!"

"I'm sorry" Arthur kissed Merlin tears away. "I'm so sorry" he kissed Merlin's lips softly and holds him tight. "I did it all wrong"

"Do you still love me" Arthur voice sounded painfully hopeful as he look at Merlin.

Part of Merlin wanted to kiss Arthur, to hold him but he wouldn't let himself. He would never degrade himself for Arthur again.

"Yes" Merlin said weakly. Arthur smiled brightly. Merlin felt his heart breaking at what he is going to say "but I don't want you anymore"

"What?" Arthur said, feeling more hurt than he thought possible.

"I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE" Merlin said strongly. Proud at how he sounded while he stood his ground.

Merlin try to pried Arthur's hand away but Arthur's grip on him tightened.

"Merlin, please. I would do anything" Arthur pleaded desperately, eyes brimming with tears. "I will do anything you ask of me"

Merlin struggled but Arthur doesn't even bounce. "Merlin, please" pleaded Arthur, desperation filled his voice. "Just give me another chance"

"Let go of me!" Merlin snaps, angrier and more determined than Arthur ever saw him. His eye flashed, blazing gold that make Arthur chill all over. Arthur refused to let go, he knew now that Merlin would never hurt him. After a while Merlin stopped struggling and looked at Arthur, his eyes furious.

"Give you another chance, are you kidding me?! First you can't even admit I'm your friend, then you blackmail and rape me and now you expect me to just FORGIVE YOU! Who do you think you are?!"

"Merlin…"

"NO! I don't want to hear it! You are not worth it, Arthur! You are not worth my friendship or my love! I'm DONE with you!"

Arthur's face was full of pain.

"From now on, I'm just your protector. Nothing more" Merlin tone was final. He felt bitter and sad that their relationship had come to this but he needed to get over Arthur.

Arthur looked so broken. He let Merlin go weakly. Merlin waited until he was out of the door before he let his tears fall again. He felt his heart breaking, but he kept telling himself it was okay. It hurt but he will move on. It was for the best. He didn't want to love Arthur anymore, didn't want to get hurt any more. To give his whole heart and trust to someone who never really appreciated it and shattered it so cruelly. Arthur didn't deserve his love or trust. Merlin will move on and find someone else who would appreciate him.

As the door closed, Arthur's tears fell like rain.

Arthur spent the next few hours, wallowing in grief before he decided he couldn't just give up, he had to fix this! He knew that thing they had would never be the same again, he had destroyed that. But there was still hope. Merlin was still here, still protecting Arthur. Merlin still loved him. He couldn't just give up. He should fight for Merlin's forgiveness, for his love. It would be hard. The break between them was too deep. But he would never give up. The thought of losing Merlin forever hurt more than anything.

Merlin kept up formalities and his distance. He didn't even look at Arthur. It hurt but Arthur had decided to never stop reaching for him. Trying to fix what was broken between them.


End file.
